First Prenatal Checkup, April 29, 2009

So, I officially made it to my first checkup. This has never happened before. It seems like a great milestone, if only it had offered me some kind of reassurance other than its occurrence. We just talked. Sometimes I wish that I could just do that over the phone, then I wouldn't have to find a home for the boys. So, I have an ultrasound scheduled next week too! That will be great, to see your heartbeat again. Oh, how I pray. I am so worried, and yet at peace which is an odd place to be. I know that I am doing everything that I can, as your father reminds me every day. And no matter the information, I would still be doing the same thing. But, I am holding onto the blessing that the bishop gave me on the night that I found out that I was pregnant. He told me that if I was faithful, that I would carry you to full term. I have pondered that term faithful many times since then. He told me that twice, he also told me to let go of the extraneous things. I have been trying to do that too. Faithful, as Auntie Julie Moe reminded me it has two definitions: to be obedient, and to be full of faith. I can do the first, it is the second that I must be reminded of it seems minute by minute. So, there are three things that I keep running in my head 1. Doubt and Fear cannot Co-exist with Faith 2. Step by step, we try controlling our fate, when we finally start living it becomes too late 3. Not that He Can, but that He Will. I keep holding on to these at different parts during the day, when the mild cramping which even the doctor has reassured me is just stretching has me at a near panic state no matter how hard I try. I just choose one. And I hold on until I know more. For that is all that I can do, line upon line, precept upon precept. I can't wait to hold you.

Why Now?

Ok, so why after all this time am I choosing to start writing a blog about this? About you? Because I think that it shows just a little more faith in your coming. In your arrival to this earth. Because I want to believe and have faith that you will become part of our family and not just another part in our story. That is why. That is why you need a space, just ours for right now, and maybe someday to be a part for others to know. Maybe this will just be your place. Where you will learn how much we wanted, waited and prayed for you. No less than we prayed for your brothers. So I can record how I felt when at 7 weeks we saw your strong heartbeat. Or how at 6 weeks we received the news that my HCG levels were over 10,000, for the first time ever (in four pregnancies).
So, at 9 weeks how are you doing? I am sick. Gratefully. Every day. Mostly in the morning, mid morning, afternoon and evening. (so basically all day). But I worry when I am not sick. I worry when I can't feel that I am pregnant. So, I am grateful for every bit of nausea. For everytime I have to leave then room when one of the boys eats a toasted onion bagel. I am sooo glad! I am glad everytime there is no blood, that I can feel my body stretching. That even though the light cramping (not even cramping, but more discomfort) is sending me into panic at least once a day, I am praying with all my might mind and strength that it is nothing more than just stretching. So, here's to not meeting you until at least Thanksgiving. Here is to my 12 week milestone, at my birthday. And viability, at our anniversary and finally delivery, please, please sometime after Thanksgiving! I pray so hard every day that you can survive and thrive and come into this world through me. Oh, how I pray and I know that so many others are praying the same way. Please grow baby, grow. And please hold on. Oh and please know how you are loved.